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| I haven't blogged as much as I wanted to this winter break, but I've kept a running list of incoherent ideas every now and then. And so by piecing together bits and pieces here and there, I've created "Tick Tock"
1.
When winter break first began, I thought most of my time was going to be reflecting upon forgiveness and what it really means to forgive someone. It's been something I've dealt with for a very long time. Forgiving myself for some of the choices I've made. Realizing it's all in God's plan and He's already forgiven me with His grace and mercy. Realizing that God knows every mistake I have made and will make in the future because He has given us free will. It's just a matter of how I grow, learn, and mature in my own time.
Why is it so easy for me to forgive someone who wronged me directly rather than to forgive someone who wronged someone else dear to me, and yet it affects me so much more? Maybe it's the people involved, or the circumstances, or the terrible timing.
Or because I love one more than the other. Sometimes I wonder if I love the other at all...
Forgiveness.
2.
My dad thinks I have a boyfriend because he's the first person I hang out with every time I come back from Austin and he's always willing to drive me around. It was fun to pretend one night, renting a movie, drinking hot cocoa, sharing an ice cream pudding, cuddling on the couch, leaning our heads up against each other.
He drove me home, even though the whole night we were already hanging out at his place.
"You know, if your dad thinks we're dating, doesn't that mean I should get a goodnight kiss?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
I've never kissed anyone. Let's keep it that way, for now.
Pretending.
3.
My dad has grown a lot in the last ten years as a person, but at the core, he is still the same. But to her, he's this wonderful person who can do no wrong. She puts up with the little quirks of his that have bothered me for my entire life. She takes care of him, and it's okay because in those little times when he does care and return the affection, it's worth it.
The familiarity of this resemblance is uncanny. I shove the thought aside.
It was as if he was ashamed the first time she tried to kiss him in front of me. Or maybe because she wasn't aware I was sitting in the backseat of the car. They don't know I object in my own way. Sometimes I come back from a night out with friends and let myself in through the front door. I listen for the TV. Sometimes I see his door closed, and then I know. It makes me want to cry, and I do. He doesn't know. I let them think I'm okay.
Maybe one day I will be.
4.
I saw this line written on somebody else's blog.
"But I didn't pray, because I knew God would not listen to insincerity."
I disagree. Insincerity is choosing not to pray to God while knowing He cares more than anyone else. I myself fall guilty of this more than once. There's something about the physical presence of someone else who's willing to listen and comfort that is more tangible than praying to God when you can't see Him. But there is a more fulfilling and longer lasting joy that comes from laying your burdens at His feet. I still must discipline myself to be able to trust in Him and not people.
People always let me down.
Always.
5.
There are many ironies in life. Especially the irony behind wanting something, badly. Anything tangible in life is quite unfulfilling. Most of it is temporary, and even if it isn't a quick, fleeting kind of temporary, it doesn't last. By human nature, we still want things. We still have this desire for what we don't have. But when we get it, are we really fulfilled? Or is it merely just the end of a chase and the beginning of another? Sometimes I can rationalize with myself that my life would be better if I had this or that, but even upon receiving these things, would I really be content and stop wanting?
No, of course not.
6.
Chivalry is not dead. It's just rare and hard to find these days. I've been to the mall in Plano once this entire winter break. While we were shopping, he offered to carry my bags for me without my having to ask him first. After leaving, I wanted to make a Sonic run because it had been at least six months since I last had Sonic; it's quite nonexistent or far in Austin. I offered to pay, after all he had already driven me the entire afternoon, but he said he could cover it. I felt kind of helpless.
I'm not used to being treated so well.
7.
I was only a junior when my brother went away for his first semester in college. I'd pester him all the time as to when he would come home during breaks. Two years later, my brother and I now attend the same university. This winter, he had to work after exams were over. I came back for break a week before he did.
I still find myself asking him when he will come back.
8.
Aorist tense. I was listening to Austin Stone sermons online, and Matt Carter was explaining aorist tense as used to describe something happening at one time in the past. Being an English major, this intriguied me, and perhaps may even help me one day in the future.
When Jesus became flesh and man for us. He did it once.
That's all it took.
9.
People wonder why I went back to work again during the winter after hating it so much and wanting to quit so badly during the summer. I couldn’t explain it over the phone. I blubbered about something, and then the word “money” came out.
Well, of course money is factored in, but that’s not the primary reason why. If money weren’t a reason why I worked, that’s like saying I don’t find someone to marry based on attractiveness, which would be a lie, although subjective to begin with.
I went back to work because it’s a place I feel most at ease, most at home. And when I’m working, although stressful and frustrating at times, it’s not as bad as fretting over the things which hurt my soul. And to be able to forget about those things, even for a few hours, is worth it for the rest of the pain.
Work is the one place where - doesn't cross my mind, ever.
10.
People rarely understand me. And then even when I try to explain myself, they can't understand me the way I understand myself.
They think it's not that big of a deal. If it weren't such a big deal, it wouldn't bother me so much. It bothers me. A lot. It bothers me so much that I called my grandmother on a Saturday night and cried to her over the phone while explaining everything in Chinese. But I didn't have to, because she already knew. And she understands.
But she says it's not worth being heartbroken over. And she tells me to cheer up and be happy. Because in the end, that's all that really matters no matter where you are.
My grandmother shared the story of how she and my grandfather met and got married a while back. It wasn't anything extraordinary or special, but it was real, true, and genuine.
They were married over 55 years when he died.
True Love.
11.
"In my twisted mind, I want to befriend you. I want to make you want to be around me again. I want you to enjoy my company, I want you to trust me like you say you do. I want you to grow to care too much about me, and then I want to detach and walk away and make you realize that you can't just take me. And for some reason, I want to do this not because I want to be cruel but because it is almost as if doing this will bring back your respect for me."
Her words strangely resembled my own unspoken ones.
12.
In one year, I managed to drive highway for the very first time and drive my first long distance trip of two and a half hours. Driving is one of those necessary risks to take, knowing at any moment, a collision could happen at the blink of an eye, but at the same time, taking the risk because those are what make life more than just a string of days passing one by one in an arbitrary fashion.
Thank you for driving thirty minutes out of your way just to go see me when I was in town for less than three hours. And even if you were kidding about "almost getting into ten accidents," I'm glad nothing happened and that you made it there and back safely.
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